Kitten, Put me in fight with myself

mycat

Never thought I will be writing this, or I will be in this state of mind, but finally I realized no matter what, it’s worth capturing this period in my canvas of life… an unforgettable experience!

Last few days i am just thinking about her most of the time, and specially last night I could not sleep , could not stop thinking about her, where will she stay at night, who will feed her! what if anything goes wrong !! uff … don’t know..what will happen!

Probably I should accept that there are few things in life are predestined, no matter how much we push, things never happen the way we want, takes a new turn.

It was first week of July, around four months ago while coming back from launch home around 2 PM  i rescued her from road side; it was thundering, about to rain,  she was just few days old  (less than a week), was trying to cross the lane with whatever strength she had, hardly could move, probably someone left her on road side in plastic bags with other siblings, she was the only one who came out of the plastic bag, others were not moving, probably dead.

Gently I picked her up and took to a nearest grocery shop, asked shop owner if I can keep the little baby in his shop-shed, but the guy got furious almost shouted me to leave the place immediately, without thinking much i bought a milk packet and brought her to my home, that’s how it started.

no, i won’t call myself animal lover nor against it, this was situation demand, only i wanted to save her life, so she can experience this world. initially it was very tough to feed her, she only kept looking for her ma.. used to sound chi chi.., i had no previous experience, then after googling and seeing some youtube video i bought a baby feeding bottle …. first two three weeks was only on milk .. then few weeks some solid food mixing with milk…then one day she start eating her own without any feeding bottle.. finally the day when she ate solid food (fish-rice) i felt relaxed… she too enjoyed that day ..ate little more than usual… then time passed by so quickly …. never noticed … now she is four months plus .. healthy super energetic playful cat …. can keep playing all the time if see me around…. i too feel emotionally attached … created memory with many small things…

but life pushing me hard .. i have to go for work.. will be out of town for few weeks … and there is no one to take care of her … so i have to say her goodbye tomorrow … with many memories ..heavy heartedly .. will be missing her badly …

just wish ..she learn to deal with reality and learn to live life to the fullest

 

 

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The defeat of logic!

drinks

A cool evening, this window corner is my favorite in my new house, again a weekend as usual … spending time with time, with self and with an uncontrollable playful mind, sometimes I doubt I own; probably not, otherwise how does it convince me to write down something that may have no meaning, no purpose, where is my logic gone, and is brain sleeping!!

Honestly, I am pushing myself to write this, right now I don’t have a strong answer why! I will let you know if I really get a good answer in future!

Now, let me admit some stupid things, for last few weeks I have been breaking one rule, which I made long ago! and keep asking myself why Drinking alone!! and that also in every weekend!!, Yes, I really don’t see any strong reason, until someone is too much fatigued or too much in love with alcohol! I am neither, then why should I?? Let’s call this as “defeat of logic”.

Sometimes logic really does not work, we should not be overconfident about logic, and probably it has some limitation with maximum possibilities. In my life it failed few times.

In life, I have been some extent rough to some people few times, who deserve much more than I gave towards them, I should have been much polite, but trust me; I am not fully responsible for those incidents, bloody logical mind kept me driving like crazy!   Corporate bosses are usually very much diplomatic, but I think he was really exception, at least to me, treated me with dignity, that made my heart really happy (somewhere I read that best thing happen in life when heart is happy, coincidentally in his tenure I bought my first home), but I asked for something stupid to him, bloody crazy logic made me think like a robot at that point of time. I would never forgive me for that, then another business person, exceptional but true, but in this case I still have chance to give back, if I can’t or don’t get an opportunity to meet them in life time, I will give to someone in their name; a promise. 🙂

Now, on the other hand, where it should have been much more accurate in logic, the emotion took over the control, I opened up my heart to some people, who played like a toy! Now the question is who is stronger? Emotion or logic! Or there is something called mastermind, if not, there should be!

Well, Let me tell you, Rum is really good, it kicks you hard when your logic gets tired 😉 , though sometimes I become partially spiritual, but I feel Rum had serious affair with somrash,  you may call it bloody purifier, I say mind purifier 🙂

Now let me spend my last 60 with dark cloudy sky!  The window corner is just awesome in my new house.

Blue, The Shade, took me away!

blueshade

I often go with flow i never thought of! till i find it meaningful, and don’t see any plotting behind it; this is my self observation.

Not necessarily every time there were two party involved, or was expressed from either side, most of the time that was just a travel in thought from one side, and needless to say that was stupid me 😛 , though i knew it was really stupid to ponder over on such thing, but i kept doing that till i found the unsaid conversation kept going interesting!

when first time i saw her in Blue churidar in some cafeteria in the evening, she was buying something, and unknowingly came exactly in front of me. Oh… i was feeling so excited and little lucky too! I ordered the same item (though was not of my taste), then sat little far from her so i could see the gentle beauty! it was so well composed with perfect voice tonality, i just can’t express in word. and trust me , i controlled myself this time, never wanted look there again, but end up smiling again and again for no reason! never realised when the golden fifteen minutes got over.

Well, absentmindedly i started walking! i accept, but very next day, had really no plan to see her again on same place! when i was enjoying my masala dosa, some loud laughter made me turn to little left, ahhh!! it was she! exactly on partial left, was gossiping with her group, though her voice was really softer, but still i could hear some of the words (unintentionally), the style was more like- will make someone spellbound to hear the next word! and trust me, there was something magical, only can be felt even without realising some of the meanings.

God, now listen! this is what i call a torchure ! It’s even harder than making me work in weekend in the name of overseas opportunities. this is not right!

Last weekend was good, though it was slightly raining, but the good thing was while having chicken tangdi with teachers – i was not there!! Monday is boring for me as usual, so i tend to have more tea break, at outside the gate while having tea, saw the Magician is coming alone to tea stall, but was talking on phone,  and very next moment i thanked God for ending her phone call, just in front of me, i can’t imagine, she smiled, though i was totally confused, it was to me or she has a as usual smiley face or it was just a common  gesture! before i could come to any conclusion, my bloody phone started ringing, was feeling like throwing away the new samsung, but i have to go!

The whole day i was really happy for no reason, some people said “you are in very good mood today – what happened!” – i said “nothing”, the logical true answer. as usual i got too busy with work,  day was passing by, during the week i saw her few times here and there! but the deployment schedule kept me busy enough not to concentrate on any other things.

After the tough week the Friday came, i was in mood to leave little early and relax, it was really cloudy outside, was raining sometimes, the cafeteria was almost empty, while having some snacks and thinking where to go! she entered in almost same blue, but little darker shade, seems her mood was little darker, very quiet than usual, took the corner table, was eating something……. when i was completely absorbed in my observation, suddenly a little girl came running ..saying something in unknown language and hugged her, she was overflowing with joy and happiness!!….and a gentleman was coming towards.

By the time it became really dark in outside too, so i have to leave.

 

No Logic, some nonsense made sense

officechat1

The feeling was more like walking through a green valley in autumn, big thick  greeneries are changing leaves, and a little cold breeze hugging softly, asking to stop for a while or pass gently, and some unknown noisy birds are making some background music; it was that smooth!

this time duration was nine months long stay in this company, though it was in very early stage of my career, but being in logic building  profession it was not at all difficult for me to understand that i am not going to get the promised job role, and the current role not going to add any value in my future road map, so, staying a single more day in that same company is just waste of time, but then why nine months happily! or i may call it one of the kind of the fun period i had enjoyed in my fifteen years long career. specially when i look back now, i feel it’s perfectly okay to be lazy sometimes.

In general  i am a  lazy person, but in some cases i tend to think faster, and both habit has advantage and disadvantage.

it was just a five people company, so no matter how much differences we all had, over the period of time it became very smooth friendly atmosphere, so most of time we used to talk about our personal life (bakwas) apart from some work, specially when the boss is away, tea time used to be much longer than usual, and more tea break, so it was really happy time! but then when i used to be back at home after work, one question would never let me sleep, am i on right track ! making any progress!! – the simple answer i used to get is “no”.

The answer “No” was enough to make me ready for new job search immediately, but then i will be missing her company, who was on almost same boat, very early stage of career, with an uncertainty for next move, so obviously there was many common topics to discuss which were very helpful at that time, both were worried about career growth (though my worry was hundred times more than her for many other personal reasons)

Earlier i heard about positive vibes, and then felt first time, and it was so strong, absentmindedly i started enjoying so many things when all other parameters were remaining same, many small things which used add stress on me, i started taking them very lightly. i really never realised how did that happen!! there was something which used to keep me on toes, apart from many planning about next move, i also remember one funny recommendation of watching a movie called “job we met” , No, it was not so easy, that i would listen to someone’s recommendation and seriously watch the movie, but i did!

No, hardly we used to have any intellectual conversation, most of the time we used to talk about very regular repetitive stuff, some were really utter nonsense (i was the one who used to start with 😛 ) , but there was something i started missing so much, that i never used to miss the office for a single day! otherwise i knew very well how to have stomach pain!

It has been almost 10 years! Yes, I look back sometimes, the life has given us so many meaningless moment in life, which becomes truly meaningful in our journey!

wish i ate the cake that day

cakefeeding

just few months ago, i when i saw the engagement event on her social-profile, was feeling little pain, but did nothing as usual as lazy bone, bloody me! i was still thinking & waiting … i hate my this quality, i knew i should have done something…..but did nothing.

the first time i saw her at a social gathering about 18 months ago, was spell bound by her voice, was a beautiful singer, after introduction, organizer brought a cake (as they do whenever introduce new members to each other), after cake cutting suddenly she came to me with piece of cake (wanted to feed me 😛 )  ohh… how lucky i was!! but as usual like a stupid, idiot …instead of eating the cake from her hand ..i told her ..i have already eaten ….ops i have never seen a dumb like me ..!! but came back with a smile…still remember… the whole day i was very happy!

i kept thinking about her unknowingly, and was asking myself why that feeling ! got an answer “it would be nice to grow older together”! there is something magical about her, no, not that sextual appeal, apart from beautiful intelligent eyes she was very kind hearted composed person, exact type i always dreamed of to be with! then often i used to check her social site posts comments, it was not at all difficult to understand that she had a very sharp analytical mind, and already gained huge popularity, probably her beautiful singing is one of the strongest reason. one early morning i saw her status, she was travelling to her native place, i wished her “happy journey” got prompt witty reply, she had very good sense of humor!!

after that i meet her twice, in two more different social gathering, had hardly any interaction, but was feeling very strong ( attraction is not right word) interest to walk with her and talk to her, even started walking too in my dream..!!

with time i got busy with my own battle, i was struggling to make the path so can walk….. ! thought many times to ask her join me … even when the path is not yet ready.  but was little hesitated, don’t know why!  one thing came in mind the we need some music in our journey otherwise life would become too monotonous, specially when she got such a beautiful voice, what if i can’t tune the rhythm, that may spoil the such a beautiful creation!!

one day morning saw a message on social feed that she started her journey with that musical body, just could not read further, unsubscribed from that feed, got stopped for sometime with me & my contradictory mind….but have to move on…hope she is enjoying her musical world.

but, still have a wish! .. to walk a whole day with her, 😛 and to eat the cake from her hand…..!! too much ? …okay …let it be in just dream!!

10% in corporate

backstab

i have a bad habit of looking back very often, probably that’s the reason of capturing this memory here.

The city was completely new to me, the local language was so difficult, option of socializing was not much, though i was lucky in this matter, got many good people around my new house, even the sons of house owner were very nice to me, but then also was missing some companion, specially in weekdays.

the organization i joined, i really enjoyed the initial days, (was not that scary :P) as i thought it could be). people were nice, though mixing up was not very smooth,  the city was very clean, the place i used to stay was surrounded by thick greenery, could see a beautiful park from my door step. i was just in love with my life after long time, another thing that made me happy is “no traffic” on my way to office, so overall i was relaxing and enjoying my new job in new city.

Soon got started with project, all new people, new project, new excitement with some pressure, slowly got a circle in office as usual, most of them are nice (though there were few to keep me on high alert 😛 ),  but few guys become very helpful in many aspect, considering i am new to that city, they used to ask if i have any problem with shelter, food or anything, really become good friends, i honestly started feeling like i know them for long time, also used to talk about many things apart from work.

he used to drop me at home when we worked till late night, talked about many things sitting in the car at mid night in front of my gate, after being exhausted by office works we used to go for dinner, many times we talked about our personal life,  we had party with other good friends from same office, he was very caring, i shared many things about personal life, family etc. with very good believe that we are good friends. i started felling the city became my home by then & i planned the future.

Never realized that we completed one year, so quickly!! and the time for increment, he was worried about his last few project went bad  & got delayed,  was seeing some changes in management, but i was confident about my overall performance, also got certificate for good performance, then the day came!! everyone waited for… their hard work … in his own way… he got 10% !

i simplified and moved on, heavy heatedly left the city too, that day it was raining heavily, i thought the city crying!! oh yes! he still came to drop me at bus stop, i smiled a good bye!

Time passing by

Time passing by so fast! feeling like just few years ago i was in school!! i am still kid, love to play around, same carelessness attitude, though knew the fact – life is tough for me, not born with golden spoon, have to fight for everything… then also there was an excitement in everything, and never thought of tomorrow… but then why this sudden change today ! don’t know. if this is called being matured, i don’t want to be …its foolish thing!

Or, probably i am trying to capture the journey in some invisible canvas.  no, not to share with anyone, just for myself!!

Like many others, i have also come across many people from different background, and some of them are really interesting! many time it happened that after spending some time or after having some conversation i liked them so much, that started thinking like i got very good companions, but but very next moment after seeing some behaviour of same person, my view got changed for ever.

Someone said it right, sometimes we should learn to live the moment, because nothing is permanent, like or dislikes get changed with time and situation, we are just a very individual traveller, who alone will travel through different phase, time, situation & road in life. Every moment is unique & should be enjoyed!